Who Are the Highest Workers In America?
An academic study reveals the top five jobs where employees show up stoned.
It’s a tough racket, trying to make an honest living here in the sweet old U.S. of A. Not only do some of us have to get up before the butt crack of dawn and start slaving away for “the man,” the money we get for engaging in this lunacy never seems to be enough to keep us fed, happy and full of hope. Perhaps this is the reason that the majority of Americans (85%) absolutely hate their jobs. It’s that none of us are thrilled about where we ended up in the grand scheme of things. We’re mostly unfulfilled and feel trapped like rats, spiraling down into the great gaping hole of mediocrity faster with each passing minute. So it’s no wonder why most of us cannot so much as walk through the doors of our employer without being stoned enough to not give a damn.
No kidding, without marijuana, some of us would have already leaped to our death from a fourth-story window someplace just to escape the mindless spreadsheets, the rude customers, the foul stench of old lady perfume and every other rotten aspect that comes with being gainfully employed in this country. Still, there is no denying that some jobs are worse than others, requiring the poor saps that hold these positions to get even higher than the average working-class stoned.
A new study published in the journal Drug and Alcohol Dependence confirms there are indeed some careers where workers are more likely to show up under the influence of cannabis. Here are the top five.
Is yours on the list?
5. Installation, Maintenance Workers
This is that group of working stoned who comes to your house to get your cable and internet going, to repair the refrigerator or stop the toilet from overflowing. Little did we know, they’ve been out there in the company van hitting a bowl before coming inside. It could be argued, however, that these men and women need weed to enter that particular dimension that it takes to accurately assess problems and come up with a logical solution. Come on, who hasn’t leaned on a little bit of old school stoner ingenuity when trying to figure out why the thingamajig won’t come out of the doohickey? So if you happen to catch your plumber just sitting on the floor, staring at the toilet like he’s pulling Jedi mind tricks on it or something, leave him be. He’s probably just stoned and working out the best way to replace a gasket.
4. Sales People
Oh man, anyone who has ever held a sales job understands one thing: It’s a dismal way to try and pay the bills. This career requires people to put in extremely long, random hours, and some of these miserable schlubs only collect a paycheck if they make a sale. It’s not so bad for those slinging $250,000 sports cars down at Sleazy Larry’s Corvettes and Convertibles, but if you’re out there pushing aluminum siding, well, ugh! But getting stoned can help. It could be that a salesperson needs marijuana to provide them with the gift of gab – an essential tool when trying to swindle people out of cash — or to tune out the haunting reverberations of the 150th rejection of the day. Either way, it is easy to see why people in this field smoke so much dope.
3. Entertainers, Sports, Media and Communications
This is everyone from rockstars to weirdos like us, those who make our livings typing out journalistic jibber-jabber for masses of unenthused trolls. And heck yeah, we are high as hell at all times because most of the media companies in this country — the radios stations, television networks, magazines, etc. — do not dare institute random drug tests. If they did, they’d have to fire all of their valuable employees. It would be a bloodbath, a complete and utter Trumptopia. Nothing would ever get broadcast or published ever again, and there would be a slew of unemployed people with no real skillset out there high on budget weed and living on food stamps. It would ruin America. Think about that Mr. Corporate Big-Wig the next time you think your company needs a stricter drug policy.
2. Construction Workers
This rare breed isn’t afraid to get high. In fact, it’s part of the job description — must be willing to climb up on really tall roofs and other insanely elevated areas to do the work that would cause most people to seize up in fear. These beasts have to grind it out in the sweltering heat and frigid conditions, too, work extremely long hours and risk life and limb just to bring home a paycheck. So yeah, we’re not surprised that this group ranks in at number two for the highest workers in America. We are, however, a bit concerned that hitting some of that Kentucky homegrown before swinging a hammer around at 50 feet might be setting some of these people up for a snapped neck. Listen, weed vertigo is real. We’d just hate to see these hard workers end up where their future is impersonating Stephen Hawking at Tuesday night science club mixers.
1. Service Industry Workers
These are the folks who work in food and beverage. It’s the waiters, chefs, bartenders, etc. You know, the people who, regardless of what is happening in their personal lives, are required to keep a smile plastered across their face at all times and spew phrases like “How may I help you, sir” regardless of how rude and unpleasant a customer might be. Service industry work is challenging, no matter what the position. The pay stinks sometimes and the hours can be unpredictable. Ever pull a 16-hour shift because the alcoholic dishwasher didn’t show up again? These people have! So it makes sense that service industry workers are the leading cannabis users in the American workforce fighting for some semblance of survival. It’s just not humanly possible to take as much crap as these people do on the clock without a way to calm down, find the headspace to equalize unsavory situations and try to enjoy life a little in the process. Pro Tip: Start tipping these people in weed if you really want excellent service.
TELL US, do you have one of these jobs? Have you ever gone to work stoned?