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Don’t Date a Stoner

Don't Date a Stoner | Cannabis Now Magazine

Joint Opinions

Don’t Date a Stoner

You may have heard that you should never date a girl who travels, or a guy from a mountain town, but trust me when I say you should never date a stoner. You should never date a stoner. I know it’s tempting, stoned sex is far superior to drunken sex (and dare I say “sober” sex?) it’s just not worth it.

The problem is; the breed “stoner” is a broad, yet universally intense, category. Two of the most common stoners you will encounter will be “the activist” and “the bum”, both are charming in their own right yet both are more trouble than they are worth, even if it’s just for sex. Trust me, I have tested a few strains of both varieties. Think of them as the furthest ends of the spectrum, a sativa and indica, if you will.

Here is why you should never date a stoner, on any end of the spectrum:

An activist will drag you to stupid meetings full of crazy people. They get you high and then hype up their social events to be important political work. They lure you with promises of seven-layer bean dip, wine in plastic cups and stimulating conversation with important people but instead you end up in the corner of a coffee shop listening to the rants of your city’s craziest citizens, stoned out of their gourds. You had to pay for the stale chocolate croissant and flat Italian soda. Everyone wants your weed.

A bum will talk about taking you places all the time, but you’ll never leave the nest for a date. The stoner who aspires to little else usually has a “nest”—that place where they have food, computers, televisions, chargers, a trash can (if you’re lucky) and a roll of toilet paper all conveniently within arm’s reach. The furthest they will go today is the bathroom, but they will always be talking about planning trips to Southeast Asia or the beach, but a typical date is you showing up with a bag of Del Taco and sharing hits off the bong, infomercials serenading you both to sleep. This is one of your city’s craziest citizens, a rare and useless bird of paradise.

If you break up with an activist, they will accuse you of being a Fed. Activists with an inflated sense of self often think the government is out to get them because they spam their friend’s Facebook feeds with articles supporting legalization from morning to night. Be careful how you break this off and how you documented your time together, the activist always carries a healthy sense of paranoia, which comes with paranoid delusions and a files full of screen shots. 

If you break up with a bum they’ll somehow miss the conversation. They always did just smile and nod when you spoke anyway. Somehow after the breakup you will still get calls for food, like a delivery service that closed for business but never shut off the commercial phone line.

Activists don’t have time for sex, only Facebook. So you’re dating an activist and you want to have sex. Post a sexy meme and tag them in it, it will be the only way you can get them to understand what you are asking for.  Even then, you may have to wait behind a never-ending stream of notifications for your turn.

The bum only has time for you if you don’t mind the TV soundtrack during sex. He just can’t make up his mind, Breaking Bad or you? Why not both? Hop on, but don’t block the TV.

For the Activist, the preaching doesn’t just happen on Sunday. Every waking moment of your life while you date an activist will be measured in capitalistic greed, genetically modified organisms, environmental degradation and marijuana. So much marijuana you forgot you ever liked smoking it.

Huh? The bum has no idea what you are talking about and kinda doesn’t care. He’s got a fresh sack right here for you whenever you’re ready.

By Gloria Gazm

Tell us in the comments below, would you date a stoner.. or a girl who travels.. or a ski bum?

27 Comments

27 Comments

  1. Tesla Gibby

    October 28, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    I feel like this article is completely heteronormative. Girl stoners and guy stoners are completely different, and dating a girl stoner is completely different than dating a guy stoner. Also not all guy stoners fit into these parameters either.

    This is just all wrong haha. How bout: Stoners will actually listen to you and will at least make an effort to understand your mind; Stoners tend to be more empathetic than most; They will always eat with you; They think, and thus love, deeper and harder; They are always forgiving if you forget something they said or an important date because they probably forgot too. And many more. 🙂

  2. Ashyia

    April 30, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    This is complete bullshit!

  3. soberguy dating stonergirl

    March 30, 2015 at 4:26 am

    Bahahauahauahahau.. lol, great article ;D

  4. Mary Jane Herself

    September 13, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    Listen to me,you over dramatic weed-hater. If you don’t like stoners,go to your room and cry yourself to sleep. Cause what you saying may be right,but it is also pure bullshit. Not all stoner are like that,we pretty much normal ass people that do normal ass things okay. Where my fellow weedies,tell this bitch asshater!

  5. Lamarr

    April 25, 2014 at 3:22 am

    I hate “the nest”. I will give you the benefit of the doubt though, I do have to drag my other stoner friends to go to places like the bar or even to Walmart.

  6. Peter

    February 15, 2014 at 10:31 am

    I don’t know what’s funnier: the article or the people offended by it!

    —> Career stoner here! If you were serious, and I wasn’t married, I’d offer to change your mind 😉

  7. shawn

    February 13, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    im kind of a bum stoner myself bt dating a stoner is a challenge cause both of you forgot what conversation you are in or forget that yu are on the phone with each other. so basiclly i would not date a stoner but a lawyer girl or a girl who knows math better than me i would love to have

  8. Dori

    February 12, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    I have to say that I loved the article. Several outburst’s of laughter on my end. Why? Because I saw a little bit of myself in both, the Activist, and, the Bum. I didn’t take this article to heart on a negative level. I see that “Cannabis Now” authored the article. Cute, you all, cute! I feel the need to correct one little thing. Fifth paragraph, second sentence, “The furthest they will go today is the bathroom…, should be, The farthest they will go today is the bathroom… Proof reading is something I can’t turn off, thanks to my old college instructors’. One of my writing faux pas… I can comma splice almost ANY sentence!

  9. Roxanne

    February 11, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    Why write this on a “stoner” website? This angle is one-dimensional and just plain ignorant. I enjoy being a “bum stoner” most of the time. I also have two jobs and an amazing relationship with a non-smoker. People can’t be shut into boxes, Gloria.

  10. Corvo

    February 11, 2014 at 11:06 am

    This is so stupid, you could describe stupid non stoner people too! I only date stoner girls you can say i have “high” standarts.

  11. Tyler

    February 11, 2014 at 10:12 am

    I’m only dating stoners from now on. I tried to date a girl who didn’t smoke and all she did was bitch at me for getting high.

  12. BlackFalcon

    February 11, 2014 at 9:42 am

    wow thats so inaccurate. I’m a stoner (and currently blazed out of my mind) and i dont fit into either of those categories. i know people who are like both of those. I have a mini fridge literally within arms reach of my couch. that doesn’t mean that I’m a bum. I’m just very well prepared. being very well prepared is also what go me this very beautiful four br house in a quite neighborhood, 3 cars (S500 benz,, infinity, and an escalade). Next time you make an article about stoners, you should really meet some productive stoners and become a lot more openminded.

    • jay s

      February 13, 2014 at 9:46 am

      You aren’t a bum Stoner, you are an activist. This article is out to get you and you felt this need to defend yourself even though you were not personally targeted.

  13. aaron

    February 11, 2014 at 7:20 am

    i want to date a beautiful stoner

  14. Rebecca

    February 10, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    I have been with a stoner for almost 5 years and I can honestly say this is wrong. My guy has a good a$$ job, we have 3 vehicles, and a large house that we own. Not everyone who smokes Falls in these categories.

  15. Veronica

    February 10, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    My husband and I both smoke a lot. We enjoy smoking it with our friends, at work, right before sex, before going to hhe movies or going out to eat. We both really enjoy it. And on vacations, forget about it!
    Just wanted to share how cannabis enhances our life, love, and relationship. You can’t marry a stoner if you aren’t a stoner yourself though.
    We both go to the gym and are very active. We have our own plants, so we save a lot of money on that too!

  16. Madame Disaster

    February 10, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    My stoner has a job and a car and hates facebook, yet so much of this is true still. He’s also a musician. DO NOT DATE STONER MUSICIANS!!

    • lupita flores

      February 10, 2014 at 5:41 pm

      My stoner is a talented musician, a great lover and family man. He has more ambition and drive than a lot of people I know..I guess there should be another category mentioned here.. I don’t smoke but I am happy with my stoner 🙂

      • ayoub

        February 10, 2014 at 7:56 pm

        im a stoner too ,and i wish my girlfriend could understand me like you do with your stoner

      • Madame Disaster

        February 11, 2014 at 12:49 am

        Obviously circumstantial, he’s a talented musician, but unfortunately I’m afraid his guitar and weed would be saved from a burming building before I would haha

  17. Chris

    February 10, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    I’m the activists and the bum all in one I guess you can call me a bumass stoner I’ll sit here and think about that one

  18. amanda

    February 10, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    Sorry you got your heartbroken by a stoner activist. May your future journeys be bonged.

  19. Lil miss stoner

    February 10, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    You may have covered why not to date the stoner male, but what about the stoner female lol, classified as the same or what?

  20. chris

    February 10, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    The activist describes me to a T. Kinda fucked up /: makes me not even want to smoke weed anymore. Asshole

    • Dori

      February 12, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      ROFLMAO! THAT IS STRAIGHT-UP FUNNY!

  21. Andrea

    February 10, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Seriously?! Talk about one big judgemental stereotype

  22. michael

    February 10, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    A little rough against the “bum” stoner I’d say.

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