Don’t Date a Stoner

You may have heard that you should never date a girl who travels, or a guy from a mountain town, but trust me when I say you should never date a stoner. You should never date a stoner. I know it’s tempting, stoned sex is far superior to drunken sex (and dare I say “sober” sex?) it’s just not worth it.

The problem is; the breed “stoner” is a broad, yet universally intense, category. Two of the most common stoners you will encounter will be “the activist” and “the bum”, both are charming in their own right yet both are more trouble than they are worth, even if it’s just for sex. Trust me, I have tested a few strains of both varieties. Think of them as the furthest ends of the spectrum, a sativa and indica, if you will.

Here is why you should never date a stoner, on any end of the spectrum:

An activist will drag you to stupid meetings full of crazy people. They get you high and then hype up their social events to be important political work. They lure you with promises of seven-layer bean dip, wine in plastic cups and stimulating conversation with important people but instead you end up in the corner of a coffee shop listening to the rants of your city’s craziest citizens, stoned out of their gourds. You had to pay for the stale chocolate croissant and flat Italian soda. Everyone wants your weed.

A bum will talk about taking you places all the time, but you’ll never leave the nest for a date. The stoner who aspires to little else usually has a “nest”—that place where they have food, computers, televisions, chargers, a trash can (if you’re lucky) and a roll of toilet paper all conveniently within arm’s reach. The furthest they will go today is the bathroom, but they will always be talking about planning trips to Southeast Asia or the beach, but a typical date is you showing up with a bag of Del Taco and sharing hits off the bong, infomercials serenading you both to sleep. This is one of your city’s craziest citizens, a rare and useless bird of paradise.

If you break up with an activist, they will accuse you of being a Fed. Activists with an inflated sense of self often think the government is out to get them because they spam their friend’s Facebook feeds with articles supporting legalization from morning to night. Be careful how you break this off and how you documented your time together, the activist always carries a healthy sense of paranoia, which comes with paranoid delusions and a files full of screen shots. 

If you break up with a bum they’ll somehow miss the conversation. They always did just smile and nod when you spoke anyway. Somehow after the breakup you will still get calls for food, like a delivery service that closed for business but never shut off the commercial phone line.

Activists don’t have time for sex, only Facebook. So you’re dating an activist and you want to have sex. Post a sexy meme and tag them in it, it will be the only way you can get them to understand what you are asking for.  Even then, you may have to wait behind a never-ending stream of notifications for your turn.

The bum only has time for you if you don’t mind the TV soundtrack during sex. He just can’t make up his mind, Breaking Bad or you? Why not both? Hop on, but don’t block the TV.

For the Activist, the preaching doesn’t just happen on Sunday. Every waking moment of your life while you date an activist will be measured in capitalistic greed, genetically modified organisms, environmental degradation and marijuana. So much marijuana you forgot you ever liked smoking it.

Huh? The bum has no idea what you are talking about and kinda doesn’t care. He’s got a fresh sack right here for you whenever you’re ready.

By Gloria Gazm

Tell us in the comments below, would you date a stoner.. or a girl who travels.. or a ski bum?