Kate Middleton Doses Royal Baby With Cannabinoids

Now that the newest member of Great Britain’s royal family has arrived, he will surely be hungry. And, while important details remain sketchy due to an unreasonable desire on the part of the parents not to reveal every single biological detail of the event, one can reasonably assume that His Royal Infancy has already been dosed with some powerful drugs.

That is because human breast milk, the first meal most infants receive, is loaded with endocannabinoids, organic chemicals produced by the human body which work in ways very similar to the active constituents of marijuana. And these potent drugs are not only ubiquitous in mother’s milk; they are also urgently necessary for the development of the newborn child. Endocannabinoids play a vital role in brain development and endocannabinoid deficiencies in the mother may play a role in the mysterious condition known as “failure to thrive,” according to Dr. Raphael Mechoulam. And some of Dr. Mechoulam’s Israeli colleagues have shown that endocannabinoids play a vital role in the process of childbirth itself, carefully regulating the stress levels of both mother and child as they endure a biologically traumatic event.

So while the world at large waits with bated breath for trickling details about the royal birth, of one biological fact all can be assured: the royal baby has been heavily dosed with pot, and that’s a very good thing.