Dear Dabby: Pigskin Pot & Herbal Etiquette

Dear Dabby, with football season starting, how do you feel about professional athletes using marijuana?  — The Mad Bomber

Listen, there are so many pot smokers in the NFL that ESPN.com has an “All-Weed” team listed on their website. It’s an open secret that players can smoke weed as long as they pass the preseason drug test.

The hypocrisy of the NFL handing out Percocet and Oxycontin like candy while suspending players for cannabis is astounding. There are more than a few studies showing cannabis is an effective pain reliever and anti-inflammatory.

Not to mention cannabis is also a known neuroprotectant, as in: IT PROTECTS YOUR BRAIN. Considering all the concussions and CTE in the NFL, a thinking person might wonder if, instead of banning pot, the NFL should make cannabis use mandatory. 

Fortunately, many pro football players are starting to speak out about medical marijuana. Former Bears QB Jim McMahon used cannabis to kick his Percocet habit. Former Ravens tackle Eugene Monroe just donated $80,000 toward medical marijuana research. 

The NFL’s drug policy is determined by negotiations between the team owners and the NFL Player’s Association Union. Perhaps the players can get cannabis removed from the list of banned substances when they negotiate a new contract in 2020.

Until then, players will have to be smart (looking at you, Josh Gordon) and not get caught. 

Dear, Dabby, um what are the rules about smoking weed? I just started and I am a bit confused. — Nan Newbie

Hello, and welcome to the wonderful world of weed! There are no real rules, more like guidelines, but here are a few things you should keep in mind:

Pass the dutchie to the left-hand side. Yes, it’s a song. The first joint or bowl or whatever should go to the left. If the circle is big enough and the weed is plentiful, someone may send another bowl or blunt counterclockwise — and it’s always funny when someone gets passed both joints at the same time. That person, of course, should attempt to smoke both joints at once.

Puff, puff, pass. This is America. The joint should proceed around the circle in a timely manner. If the joint is not being hit, it’s just burning weed. 

Don’t slobber. Come on. There used to be a racially charged term for this sort of marijuana abuse, but times have changed. Suffice it to say, please keep your lips dry when hitting the joint or bowl. There are few things worse than being passed a soggy joint. Ew.

Know your health. If you have a cold, don’t share a joint. Duh. If you have a cold sore or some sort of thing on your lip, please think about what you may be introducing to the circle. I have never heard of anyone getting the herp from passing joints around, but still.

Try to bring some weed with you every once in awhile. It’s not hard to get. Do these simple things and you will be welcome at every session. 

Leading stoner comedian Ngaio Bealum is the creator of the album “Weed & Sex,” a frequent guest on “Getting Doug with High” starring Doug Benson, and a regular cannabis festival MC.

Published in issue 22 of Cannabis Now. LEARN MORE.