Football’s regular season has come to an end and the twelve best teams in the land are preparing for what we all hope will be a series of violent escapades on snowy grass and turf.
Much like last year, a team from a legal cannabis state is expected to win it all. But what will they smoke on their path to victory? Here’s a list of the strains these titans of pig skin should be puffing.
NFC TEAM STRAINS
All illustrations by Jack Kurzenknabe
Six Seed : Detroit Lions – Strawberry Banana
The Strawberry Banana in Detroit is so good it placed in both the Indica and Sativa categories at the 2015 cup, with Mass Genetix taking first in Sativa. I have a tough time seeing Matthew Stafford and company getting past Seattle, so this will also be an optimal smoothie flavor for them to enjoy while they watch the Super Bowl on a beach somewhere.
Five Seed: New York Giants – Vortex aka God’s Pussy
The pheno of Vortex that won the first public US Cannabis Cup was a lucky closet grow from seed, not clone, not some highly developed cultivation project in a 300-light facility. That’s the kind of luck that comes to mind when I think of Eli Manning’s two Super Bowl rings.
Four Seed: Green Bay Packers – UK Cheese
Brett Favre’s salt and pepper look (that Anderson Cooper later stole) is timeless, but UK Cheese has been a big yielding sensation for years. No other strain could encompass ganja-loving cheeseheads in Wisconsin like the best thing to come out England since the USA.
Three Seed: Seattle Seahawks – Sour Tangie from SKÖRD
There is no shortage of options for this one, but I believe Sour Tangie grown by the SKÖRD crew is the way to go. It will surely be the perfect pick me upper for the Seahawks after they run into the Atlanta Falcons — which will surely bring up memories of the Super Bowl against New England a couple years ago.
Two Seed: Atlanta Falcons – Granddaddy Purple
Matt Ryan is so chill, he literally used to be called Matty Ice by the Boston College faithful. This relaxed mindset has carried Atlanta far over the years, and we could think of no better strain for their playoff run than Grandaddy Purps. The heavy purple will be the perfect option for calming things back down, especially if you run into Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys.
One Seed: Dallas Cowboys – AK-47
Texas is back! And we’re not talking about those hippies in Jackson County that don’t even have a team (but probably smoke the best pot). Texas loves AK-47s so much they don’t even care that they were invented by a commie. Also don’t get caught with pot in Texas.
AFC TEAM STRAINS
All illustrations by Jack Kurzenknabe
Six Seed: Miami Dolphins – Florida Kush
There’s some banging OG in florida, and there aren’t any good Ace Ventura strains. Big Congratulations to the Dolphins on making it out of the AFC East — nobody thought you would.
Five Seed: Oakland Raiders – Trainwreck/Jack the Ripper
Poor Oakland. There was talk of getting revenge against the Patriots for stealing their soul for 14 seasons, then — poof — hope was carted off the field and prayer candles were lit for Derek Carr’s leg. We felt the tie was appropriate here in describing how The Town feels seeing Jack Del Rio bring them back to the edge of glory, only to enter the playoffs with a third string quarterback.
Four Seed: Houston Texans – Space Queen
A good pheno of Space Queen will put you so far into orbit that mission command at Cape Canaveral will have to switch you over to Houston.
Three Seed: Pittsburgh Steelers – F*cking Incredible
Sixburg looked reputable this season, but they’ll have to hit the road against the two best teams in the AFC. Hence, we went with a hockey theme and Pittsburgh is home to Canada’s best export on ice! Yes, what better way to describe Syd “The Kid” Crosby than the Vancouver classic Fucking Incredible, and this is coming from a Bruins fan who hates floppers.
Two Seed: Kansas City – Blue Dream
I asked recently released Missouri Cannabis POW Jeff Mizanskey, who served almost twenty years before receiving clemency, what he heard Kansas City fans would be puffing on. The once clone-only West Coast classic Blue Dream has found its way to middle america, and bolstered the dreams of the of the AFC two seeds fan base.
One Seed: New England – Zkittlez
What other strain could possibly the describe the team that’s spent the whole millennium at the top of the pack? At first I though maybe it should be Golden Goat (in regards to Tom Brady being the Greatest of All Time and not a cheater) but I ultimately decided Zkittlez would better represent the whole squad that Bill Belichick has put together.
TELL US, what are your strain picks for this year’s NFL playoff teams?