The Grown-Up’s Morning Marijuana Strategy
Just FYI: This article is for entertainment purposes only. There’s no single trick to getting high sans consequences in the morning. If you were hoping to follow our advice to the letter, you need more help than you thought.
Getting high in the morning is not like it was back in the day. Now, you might be thinking, “Wait, it isn’t?” while pondering your long-lost youth and the cannabis consumption habits that feisty little whippersnapper once maintained to get through the day.
If your regimen was anything like ours, then you enjoyed the kind of enthusiastic wake and bake ritual that had everyone at your place of employment looking at you funny when you first started.
You may have even worn your paranoia on your sleeve, prompting people to ask too many questions. Remember, back when you used to have to feed kitchen managers a line of BS about having allergies if they mentioned anything about you looking stoned? Even if you knew they smoked weed too, you really couldn’t reveal your secret. “No, I don’t do that,” you would tell them. “It’s the change of seasons… ragweed or something.”
More like a bag of weed.
But you were consistent in your acts of stoned servitude. You showed up to your shift each day completely blazed out of your mind, eyes squinty and redder than hell’s carpet. So, by the end of the first month, the higher-ups were just like, “You know what, maybe that kid really does have allergies,” and it was never mentioned again. They were just happy someone showed every day and did the work no one else wanted to do.
That was the grinding life of the canna-head way back when. Maybe it still is for some. It’s what needed to be done for us to keep our heads on straight while also making sure there was plenty of money in our pockets to pay the bills and afford more herb. Let’s face it, weed’s never been cheap!
But times have changed.
These days, you have a full-time job, maybe even a career — one that requires more attention to detail than when you were just washing dishes for a living. And let’s not forget about those kids. Kids need things, like fully functional parents to get them off to school, talk to teachers, and perhaps even help rally the troops before, during and after all of their extracurricular activities. This life we’re talking about right here, one that is commonly referred to by the millennial generation as “adulting,” is balls to the wall, Jack! It is not a life that can be easily conquered by those who linger in the ranks of the perpetually wasted. Therefore, getting too ripped on weed first thing in the morning is not the smartest approach to keeping the family unit on track to achieving its potential.
But you don’t have to stop smoking pot before starting your day. It would be ridiculous to suggest that grown-ups should renounce the coveted morning wake and bake ritual. Even though we have better jobs now, they still suck a big one sometimes. But it is not beyond the scope of reason that some regular users may need to change up their strategy a little to get through the day without getting fired or catching a surprise visit from CPS.
Some folks can make this adjustment easier than others. So for those of you who clicked this link looking for some heavy guidance on this very real, very serious issue, don’t worry about a thing. We’ve got you… for the most part.
Okay, so you cannot just open your eyes first thing in the morning and start doing bong rips right out of the gate. You’re not Seth Rogen. And, we can’t even believe we have to say this, but put that dab rig down. Heck no, man, you need a little finesse to fit into the big boy or girl panties you’re going to need as soon as those kids climb out of bed and start asking for breakfast.
Ever try pouring milk after dabs?
Meanwhile, you, yourself, must get ready for work, as the same sh*t different day routine still means clocking in at a business at a particular time of morning and being prepared to go-go-go once the boss starts barking orders. So, as soon as the alarm goes off, hit the snooze button and reach for the nicely packed bowl or vape pen on the nightstand. But take no more than two modest hits off that bad boy before putting on some pants and moving to the kitchen. This dose should provide you with enough of a head change to ensure the kiddos get the eggs, cereal or whatever their growing bodies need before it’s time for them to get dressed for school. Then lo and behold, you’ll get them fed without the oldest calling 911 because he’s convinced that you’re having a stroke.
While the kids finish getting ready, now is the perfect opportunity for you jump back into the bedroom for a refresher hit — no more than that, though. Otherwise you could end up mumbling about conspiracy theories during that early morning meeting with Principal Pritchett. You won’t have to worry about running concessions at Thursday’s basketball game once you spill out something like, “So, do you really think we landed on the moon, or is Alex Jones onto something?”
Start looking for a new school district now!
For all intents and purposes, let’s assume you have a job that does not nail employees to the wall with random drug tests, nor do they care if you all smoke weed on your own time, as long as you show up on time and kick ass. If you are one of those people where a pop whiz quiz is always lurching around the corner, like a factory worker or a federal employee, perhaps this article is not for you. Try this one on for size.
Okay, so where were we? That’s right, grind time. Now that the kids are safe in school and you’re en route to your place of employment, it’s totally acceptable to squeeze in another hit or two before you enter the parking lot.
If you are confused at this juncture, seeing as smoking more weed means you’d have to do it behind the wheel and you’re thinking, Jeez, I don’t know about this, Cannabis Now, isn’t that a little dangerous? Well, probably. But we’re all adults here, or at least we’re supposed to be, so don’t be self-righteous about it. We’re only trying to help. But let’s get real, if you weren’t getting high, you’d probably still be texting and stuffing an Egg McBig Mac down your throat at 70 mph. So, what’s the difference? At least you can still pay attention to the road with a smoking device in your hand. Or do we need to write a tutorial on that, too?
Listen, nobody is telling you that you have to take another hit before you get to work, just that it is (kind of) acceptable to do so. Pull over if need be. Just watch out for cops!
Maybe you’d feel more comfortable saving that pre-shift hit for when you are sitting in the parking lot, and that’s fine too. It is also not against the rules to skip it and wait until lunch to take your buzz up a notch. Depending on the potency of the strain, that might not be a bad idea.
Also, if it’s your first day, week or even month on the job, you might want to take it easy. But if this is a position you’ve been holding down for a while now, get to the headspace that you need to be in. Just remember to use those eye drops. There is no need going into work all red-eyed and obvious, unless you just feel like waxing nostalgic by explaining to your supervisor how your allergies are acting up.
That’s up to you… because our work is done.
TELL US, do you have a typical wake and bake routine?