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Super Bowl Hates MMJ, But Caters to Cannabis Users

Super Bowl Hates MMJ, But Caters to Cannabis Users
PHOTO Michael Hanna

Culture

Super Bowl Hates MMJ, But Caters to Cannabis Users

Think of the snacks!

If you clicked the link to this article, there is a relatively good chance you thought it was another redundant rant and ramble about how CBS shunned a medical marijuana commercial intended to air during Super Bowl LII. Well, we regret to inform you that this particular piece of journalism is more about the actual game than the fraidy-cat politics that prevents the cannabis industry from the same 30-second spot commerce enjoyed for decades by every product line from beer to potato chips.

We do have one final comment on the subject, just in case you are interested. Until the federal government finally surrenders its War on Weed – even if that war is only a paper at this point – commercial television networks and professional sports league are always going to err on the side of extreme caution when it comes to cannabis. Whether we like it or not, none of them will risk losing the sponsorships they have, nor do they have any interest in alienating their more conservative fans.

But what’s done is done. This doesn’t mean that cannabis consumers everywhere can’t still enjoy the Super Bowl just like the rest of the population. In fact, while the producers of the Super Bowl may have a closeted appreciate for marijuana, many facets of the  Big Game are not exactly biased toward the average cannabis user. Some might even say Super Bowl and the pot culture go hand in hand.

First of all, allow us to point out that going to see the New England Patriots battle it out against the Los Angeles Rams in the flesh this Sunday in Atlanta is a hoity-toity affair that can only be had by a higher class of humanity that earns at least a bazillion dollars a year. No kidding, the Super Bowl is super expensive.

Those with tickets dropped an average of around $4,413 each. Even some of the less attractive seats in Mercedes-Benz Stadium, where the two teams will face off for the championship, went for around $2,600 a pop. That’s more than some Americans earn in a month.

But for the best seats in the house, most people would have to sell a kidney or auction off their first born to a cult of sweatshop prophets. Those tickets, which put a person right on the 50-yard line, cost $23,204 per person. Now, if you’re thinking, “Whoa, that’s an insane price just to watch a football game,” let us help co-sign your sentiment — you’re d*mn right it’s insane. You know how much weed a person can buy with $23,000? So much that it is conceivable that if a regular cannabis user opted to buy a high-end Super Bowl ticket this year in exchange for a significant cut back to his or her consumption rate to offset the cost, they’d never be high again. Ever!

Admittedly, some of our interest in Super Bowl LIII is over the two contenders hailing from states that have legalized marijuana for recreational use – California and Massachusetts. Incidentally, sports fans from those areas are responsible for purchasing the majority of these high-dollar tickets. According to the StubHub, Massachusetts fans lead with 17 percent of seats, with California fans snatching up 12 percent. Georgia, Arizona and New York round out the top five, respectively. This just means TSA is probably going to find a lot more weed being smuggled through the airports this week.

So while it could take some finagling of the finances to gain entry to Mercedes-Benz Stadium on Super Bowl Sunday, the good news is stadium officials almost seem privy to the fact that the stands will be full of people who use marijuana. Because all of the food being sold at the game is classic stoner fare – and it’s cheap too.

Mercedes-Benz Stadium, which was the first sports complex in the nation to implement the hugely popular “fan first” menu, will honor its regular price structure at concessions during the Big Game. This means munchie ravaged tokers and tailgaters will be able to snag a variety of common stadium cuisines like pretzels, hot dogs, popcorn, and even bottled water for just $2. And for one dollar more, fried fans craving pizza can get their hands on a slice. Even domestic beers are only $5.

Pro Tip: Smuggle a THC-infused tincture into the stadium and add a few drops to your brew as needed. This is clandestine pot consumption as its finest.

For those who have no trouble spending a little more cash on dietary heathenism, the stadium also offers a spread of items like chicken and waffles that are priced closer to the $12 range. And if you think it’s a stretch that stadium food is devised with the cannabis culture in mind, some of its mad science creation might change your mind.

Concessions cooks have reportedly developed a few food items that are specific to Sunday’s big game. One is called an “L.A. Chicharron Dog,” a hot dog homage to the L.A. Rams that comes topped with “pinto beans, jalapenos, garlic, roasted poblano pepper strips, cotija cheese, tajin-seasoned chicharrones (essentially, fried pork rinds) and cilantro.” Patriots fans will also have their own special dog called “N.E. Beantown Frank” which comes topped with “northern beans, maple syrup, Nueske’s bacon and green onions.”

Our advice: Bring Tums and maybe even a defibrillator.

For those people in the really cheap seats – we’re talking about the millions of fans watching Super Bowl LIII at home on TV – integrating marijuana into the game is a more comfortable task. But that just means that the gluttony surrounding the munchies is going to be amplified to the nth degree. Bet on it.

It is frightening how much junk food Americans put down during the Super Bowl. Some statistics show that this weekend, regardless of whether fans are stoned, sober or piss-pants drunk will consume a whopping “88 million pounds of cheese, 1.38 billion chicken wings, 10 million pounds of ribs, 8 million pounds of guacamole, more than 14,500 tons of chips, 4 million pounds of pretzels, 3.8 million pounds of popcorn, and 2.5 million pounds of nuts.”

And you had better believe those GrubHub and Uber Eats apps are going to get jammed up with orders from hangry fans. Around 48 million Americans are expected to have food delivered to their doors on Super Bowl Sunday. All of this mau-down, munchie madness will result in the consumption of approximately 2,400 calories per person. Some go-getters, however, will consume more than 6,000 calories during the game. If you’re one of those weirdos who likes to exercise when stoned, you had better buy a lot of weed for the week (or weeks) following the game. Because you are going to have to put in some serious work at the gym to fit into your pants again.

So what have we learned?

Well, aside from the NFL not wanting anything to do with medical marijuana, the game is still pretty much set up to cater to the stoned sports enthusiast – not matter if the NFL likes it or not. Although the cannabis industry itself is not going to benefit from putting its message out during the most watched sporting event in America, the average cannabis consuming fan is not going to miss out on the fun. Sure, it would be a better situation if the stadium was selling some of those cannabis beverages that we’ve been hearing so much about, but considering that most pot consumers will be watching the game from the comforts of their couch, this doesn’t cause us much distress. It will all come together in time, and weed will be just as much a part of professional sports as alcohol has become.

But for now, let’s concern ourselves with making that critical grocery list and a trip to the dispensary (or your friendly neighborhood weed dealer) to ensure the Super Bowl party that you just thought about having while reading this article goes off without a hitch.

Super Bowl LIII is set to go down Sunday, Feb. 3 at 5:30 CST.

TELL US, are you watching the Super Bowl?

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Jacob Barker

    February 2, 2019 at 10:28 am

    I was actually going to watch the game this year. But the NFL just lost my views. Cannabis should be accepted…or banned as alcohol

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